anando

I wrote this on my way to India after Guruji’s passing away.
It was more of a self talk than an article.
Today while going through my memory lanes came across these words and felt like expressing them.
I see myself far away from that lost person that I was then.
And see how one I am with his spirit!
Today I have discovered him in a different form.
Today my truth is this but the words crossed my thoughts then were equally true.
So expressing them anyways.

I wrote on Feb’18th’ 2013 sitting on Abu Dhabi airport waiting for the connecting flight to Bangalore –

Guruji is gone, no more. Yes I heard this. My ears received the inputs, intellect processed it and immediately my mind started racing. What next, I must call everyone, arrange a prayer meeting, take care of everyone, book my ticket to India. In an expert manner with
detailed precession I was planning, instructing and orgorganizing things. Milind, Shravan helping in their own way.
On phone calls I spoke the right words, comforted the upset callers, weeped with those weeping. During the prayer meeting i maintained proper balance. In my mind I was being a good girl of Guruji, just the way he always saw me, efficient, well organized, expert MC, I was being his “King Teacher” the way he described once.

But now after few hours of sleep and many hours of painful silence, I wonder if I was there in all that I was doing since I heard your departure. My “I” spirit, the enthusiasm, the Vishakha quality in me is not there. I am seeing myself as a shadow. It is so funny to see myself moving around without me being in me.

This morning when I left for LAX to take India flight I felt extremely tired. There was no energy, nothing to look forward to, it feels as if I am pushing myself with great efforts. For the first time in many years I am experiencing effort, I understood what doing is. I was going through all the physical, mental ordeals but my soul was missing. I was in everything correctly but somethings was not right. Something is not right. Here I am sitting alone in a quiet airport waiting for my next flight and searching why I am so lost!

I experience your presence in everything, in my thoughts, my words, my smile, my voice and still I am waiting for some connection with you.
I am hoping to get some signal from you to tell me yes I am here.